Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Kegger 150 Miles From Home and Stranded.

Things just never work out the way they are supposed to. Axe and I got invited to go to a kegger out in the country down in Oklahoma by a mutual friends sister. Now our mutual friend, lets call him... Dumbass. Now, Dumbass is what some might call a mommas boy, emotional, and lacking common sense. Oh and to top it off he has a short fuse. Now, Dumbass's sister, has a good head on her shoulders. Lets call her, WiseGal.

Well, if you are from Oklahoma, you know that Oklahoma only sells 3.2% kegs where as Kansas sells 6%. Axe tells WiseGal that he will bring the keg since none of us wanna drink 3.2. Well Dumbass, Axe and I go get the keg, and load it up in Axe's Jeep. We get our clothes packed and head over to Dumbass's house. Dumbass says that he will drive us since Axe got the alcohol, which at the time sounded like a pretty good idea. We would later regret this decision.

About 2 hours later, we were in Guthrie, well, outside of it anyways. We finally find the house, which i cant stress enough was literally in the middle of fucking nowhere. We pull up and see this guy standing outside of the garage wearing a long black leather coat, hat backwards and a beard. He was chugging out of a bottle in one hand, whiskey i assumed and fidgeting with an old 90s boombox with the other. I swear to god he looked just like Silent Bob from Jay and Silent Bob / Clerks etc. You wont believe this, but his name was literally Kevin, which is ironic because Silent Bob's real name... you guessed it, Kevin Smith. The motherfucker even SOUNDED like him, it was the weirdest fucking thing.

We get out of the truck, unload everything, do the usual meet and greet etc. We meet WiseGals boyfriend, Racer, Kevin introduces us to his ball python as well as start to explain to us about how he had to shoot WiseGal's dog about 20 minutes before we got there because her dog and his dog were fucking. He then starts to explain how he shot and ended up hitting him in the balls, showing us the blood on the ground. Needless to say, i was not in my element. Yet, i felt i could get along with these people.

Finally the party starts to pick up. We start drinking around 6pm that evening. Cup after cup of delicious keg beer. Whore #1 shows up, turns out shes from WiseGal's Hair School. Axe and I both move in for the kill. While making small talk with her, we notice Dumbass is sitting on the weight bench in the corner away from everyone basically sulking. I figure being the friend i am i should ask him what his problem is, as this was HIS idea to come down here and party in the first place. So i walk over there, hand him another cup of beer and ask him whats got him all down in the dumps. Nothing. Not even a "oh nothing, dont worry. All i get is silence. Fuck him i think to myself, i turn around and go back to the party.

More people start showing up, theres around 15 people here by now. One guy, RockStar, is banging his head, jumping around acting all crazy. His friend Whore #2, Whores#2sBF and a few other people are standing around talking with each other. Now, at this point i pull out the Adderall. I tell Whore #2 to follow me to the truck. Her being all hipster and cool doesnt decline. We go out to the truck and i get two pills out, hand her one and tell her to sniff it and she will have the time of her life. We both do one and Whore#2sBF comes out. She starts blabbing her mouth. So i throw him one to shut him up and we all three walk back into the garage. Once back in the garage i give Axe one.

I walk back over to Whore#2 and make some small talk, she then grabs my dick through my pants and bites my neck. Not sure of what Whore#2sBF might act i shrug it off, but once i realize he saw what happened and just walked away. Alright, he doesnt care, neither do i, fuck it. I move back closer, we make out and she rubs my dick. At this point i think im in. But all good things must come to an end. And end it did.

RockStar, the headbanging retard bumps into me and tells his friends that he came with that he doesnt like me and how i looked at him, or some bullshit like that. I then proceed to ask him what his problem is and if hes got one, we can take it outside. This does not sit well with Axe. See back when this story takes place, Axe was in his prime, he was working out every day, etc. Axe sees me walking outside with RockStar and he runs out there. Im yelling at RockStar and Axe taps me on the shoulder, signifying he one, has my back and two, hes now in a mood to fight. Axe starts smiling and walking toward RockStar, who backs up. Axe gives him an ultimatum, apologize, or get his ass kicked. After not so much convincing, RockStar decides apologizing is the best decision. Once accepted we all walk back in to the garage. I find out later that Whore#2 has told Axe that she will suck his dick if he doesnt beat up RockStar

Again, Dumbass is MIA. I decide that im gonna go find him and see what the fuck is going on.Because at this point, im getting pretty fucking irritated. I walk in to the house and hes just sitting there, sipping a beer. Again i ask him whats up, nothing. Fuck you. I walk away. I walk back out to the garage and Whore#1 has left. Whore#2 and Axe are messing around, making out, shes grabbing his dick etc. Next thing i know, the person who must have driven RockStar, Whore#2 and her BF wants to leave.

Axe doesnt get his blowjob.

Axe. Is not happy.

Its now around 2am and the party has died down to the original members. Me, Axe, WiseGal, Kevin, and Racer. At this point, Axe is now asking about Dumbass so him and I go inside to find him. What we see we werent expecting. WiseGal is standing in the kitchen bawling, Dumbass is fire red and is teary eyed. WiseGal goes to her room and Axe follows to find out whats wrong. She wont tell him so he storms out of the house back to the garage. I ask Dumbass one last time, i say "either tell me what the fuck is the problem, or go to bed, noone wants to see you like this." He starts going off, telling me how hes gonna kill himself, how hes never happy, never has been, and how he is gonna pay his bills off and shoot himself. I laugh and tell him to go ahead and be a pussy but dont bring me into his dumb fucking decisions. So i walk past him and talk to WiseGal, shes bawling and i finally get her calmed down. I go back to the garage.

I grab a beer, tell Racer, Axe and Kevin the situation when the garage door falls down. See, the side door didnt work, we were getting in and out via the garage door. So when we hear Dumbass's truck start up, there was nothing we could do, we yelled and Dumbass yells that he will be back. Well, id still be there if i had waited for his stupid ass.

150 miles from our home town, our ride leaves us. Axe's phones was in Dumbass's truck, and being out in the middle of B.F.E, my phone didnt have service. After awhile we say fuck it and climb out the window. But see this causes a dilemma, everyone can fit out of the window including the keg, but the trashcan the kegs in cant which was part of the deposit. Oh well, we move the party to the house.

Axe starts doing keg stand, Kevin heads to bed and Racer and WiseGal continue to drink with Axe. I decide to pass out.

The next morning we all wake up and talk with WiseGal who says her brother told her before he left he would come back, but with them having errands to run, WiseGal and Racer, and noone being able to get ahold of Dumbass. WiseGal tells us she and Racer will drive us home.

We get back to Dumbass's house which is where we were all parked, Dumbass is asleep and Axe decides hes gonna wake him up and confront him. Axe tells me all Dumbass had to say was "i would have came back." Not an apology, nothing. We get in our cars and leave.

I havent talked to Dumbass since. Axe and I have seen him a few times, but we get so filled with rage we cant talk, we usually stand there waiting for him to open his fucking mouth but he never does, so we never get to hit him in is crooked teeth. Oh well, theres always another day.

Moral of the story, make sure the friend who drives is emotionally stable before driving you 150 miles from your house to a part in the boonies!

And if anyone cares, he hasnt killed himself yet. Ha.

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  1. HA! Good read, thanks. Keggers are never dull that's for sure.

  2. Good to know he hasn't killed himself.. yet lol

  3. hahaha, i think he is alrdy dead, xd, good posting man

  4. Great story! I can personally attest to how stupid Oklahoma is.

  5. Are all these stories seriously real? So much drinking everytime T_T

  6. Yup lol all the stories are true. :D

  7. You have a crazy life Z, gotta say that much lol

  8. Holy....shit. I mean. Could WHORE#2 be anymore slutty? Fuck. It was the pills that made her not give a fuck hahaha. Great story bro, great read. GREAT BLOG.

  9. i wish i could say it was the adderall that did it. i truely believe she was just a slut and he bf was just used to it. plus we are all pretty decent size guys, and well, he was a hipster and not a big guy so lol

  10. what a nice break from my long ass day

  11. Sounds like you go to the best parties lol.
    Can't wait for the next one

  12. Omg Z, your life is so "crazy". I'm glad your internet friends eat this shit up. Geeks