Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Been busy...

I know there hasnt been any updates recently, you can blame that on finals. Rest assured there will be updates come sunday (5/8) or monday (5/9). Lets just say, its probably gonna involve a strip club, some hookers, and a new character to the story that is my crazy ass life. Stay tuned, i promise you are not gonna wanna miss this weekends story!

Thanks for all the loyal followers, fans and friends who makes this fun and enjoyable.

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Thursday, April 14, 2011


There was a slight misunderstanding with how i interpreted Thor's approval rating of women. The "I Got This" Story has been updated to show my new interpretation of what im now calling the "Thor Scale".

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Found this band...

Eldest 11-- http://www.myspace.com/eldest11

Some of their stuff is on youtube, but their cd is for sale on amazon if anyone is interested.


Check them out. Ive been rocking out to them for awhile, definitely some good music if you like rock!

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Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Kegger 150 Miles From Home and Stranded.

Things just never work out the way they are supposed to. Axe and I got invited to go to a kegger out in the country down in Oklahoma by a mutual friends sister. Now our mutual friend, lets call him... Dumbass. Now, Dumbass is what some might call a mommas boy, emotional, and lacking common sense. Oh and to top it off he has a short fuse. Now, Dumbass's sister, has a good head on her shoulders. Lets call her, WiseGal.

Well, if you are from Oklahoma, you know that Oklahoma only sells 3.2% kegs where as Kansas sells 6%. Axe tells WiseGal that he will bring the keg since none of us wanna drink 3.2. Well Dumbass, Axe and I go get the keg, and load it up in Axe's Jeep. We get our clothes packed and head over to Dumbass's house. Dumbass says that he will drive us since Axe got the alcohol, which at the time sounded like a pretty good idea. We would later regret this decision.

About 2 hours later, we were in Guthrie, well, outside of it anyways. We finally find the house, which i cant stress enough was literally in the middle of fucking nowhere. We pull up and see this guy standing outside of the garage wearing a long black leather coat, hat backwards and a beard. He was chugging out of a bottle in one hand, whiskey i assumed and fidgeting with an old 90s boombox with the other. I swear to god he looked just like Silent Bob from Jay and Silent Bob / Clerks etc. You wont believe this, but his name was literally Kevin, which is ironic because Silent Bob's real name... you guessed it, Kevin Smith. The motherfucker even SOUNDED like him, it was the weirdest fucking thing.

We get out of the truck, unload everything, do the usual meet and greet etc. We meet WiseGals boyfriend, Racer, Kevin introduces us to his ball python as well as start to explain to us about how he had to shoot WiseGal's dog about 20 minutes before we got there because her dog and his dog were fucking. He then starts to explain how he shot and ended up hitting him in the balls, showing us the blood on the ground. Needless to say, i was not in my element. Yet, i felt i could get along with these people.

Finally the party starts to pick up. We start drinking around 6pm that evening. Cup after cup of delicious keg beer. Whore #1 shows up, turns out shes from WiseGal's Hair School. Axe and I both move in for the kill. While making small talk with her, we notice Dumbass is sitting on the weight bench in the corner away from everyone basically sulking. I figure being the friend i am i should ask him what his problem is, as this was HIS idea to come down here and party in the first place. So i walk over there, hand him another cup of beer and ask him whats got him all down in the dumps. Nothing. Not even a "oh nothing, dont worry. All i get is silence. Fuck him i think to myself, i turn around and go back to the party.

More people start showing up, theres around 15 people here by now. One guy, RockStar, is banging his head, jumping around acting all crazy. His friend Whore #2, Whores#2sBF and a few other people are standing around talking with each other. Now, at this point i pull out the Adderall. I tell Whore #2 to follow me to the truck. Her being all hipster and cool doesnt decline. We go out to the truck and i get two pills out, hand her one and tell her to sniff it and she will have the time of her life. We both do one and Whore#2sBF comes out. She starts blabbing her mouth. So i throw him one to shut him up and we all three walk back into the garage. Once back in the garage i give Axe one.

I walk back over to Whore#2 and make some small talk, she then grabs my dick through my pants and bites my neck. Not sure of what Whore#2sBF might act i shrug it off, but once i realize he saw what happened and just walked away. Alright, he doesnt care, neither do i, fuck it. I move back closer, we make out and she rubs my dick. At this point i think im in. But all good things must come to an end. And end it did.

RockStar, the headbanging retard bumps into me and tells his friends that he came with that he doesnt like me and how i looked at him, or some bullshit like that. I then proceed to ask him what his problem is and if hes got one, we can take it outside. This does not sit well with Axe. See back when this story takes place, Axe was in his prime, he was working out every day, etc. Axe sees me walking outside with RockStar and he runs out there. Im yelling at RockStar and Axe taps me on the shoulder, signifying he one, has my back and two, hes now in a mood to fight. Axe starts smiling and walking toward RockStar, who backs up. Axe gives him an ultimatum, apologize, or get his ass kicked. After not so much convincing, RockStar decides apologizing is the best decision. Once accepted we all walk back in to the garage. I find out later that Whore#2 has told Axe that she will suck his dick if he doesnt beat up RockStar

Again, Dumbass is MIA. I decide that im gonna go find him and see what the fuck is going on.Because at this point, im getting pretty fucking irritated. I walk in to the house and hes just sitting there, sipping a beer. Again i ask him whats up, nothing. Fuck you. I walk away. I walk back out to the garage and Whore#1 has left. Whore#2 and Axe are messing around, making out, shes grabbing his dick etc. Next thing i know, the person who must have driven RockStar, Whore#2 and her BF wants to leave.

Axe doesnt get his blowjob.

Axe. Is not happy.

Its now around 2am and the party has died down to the original members. Me, Axe, WiseGal, Kevin, and Racer. At this point, Axe is now asking about Dumbass so him and I go inside to find him. What we see we werent expecting. WiseGal is standing in the kitchen bawling, Dumbass is fire red and is teary eyed. WiseGal goes to her room and Axe follows to find out whats wrong. She wont tell him so he storms out of the house back to the garage. I ask Dumbass one last time, i say "either tell me what the fuck is the problem, or go to bed, noone wants to see you like this." He starts going off, telling me how hes gonna kill himself, how hes never happy, never has been, and how he is gonna pay his bills off and shoot himself. I laugh and tell him to go ahead and be a pussy but dont bring me into his dumb fucking decisions. So i walk past him and talk to WiseGal, shes bawling and i finally get her calmed down. I go back to the garage.

I grab a beer, tell Racer, Axe and Kevin the situation when the garage door falls down. See, the side door didnt work, we were getting in and out via the garage door. So when we hear Dumbass's truck start up, there was nothing we could do, we yelled and Dumbass yells that he will be back. Well, id still be there if i had waited for his stupid ass.

150 miles from our home town, our ride leaves us. Axe's phones was in Dumbass's truck, and being out in the middle of B.F.E, my phone didnt have service. After awhile we say fuck it and climb out the window. But see this causes a dilemma, everyone can fit out of the window including the keg, but the trashcan the kegs in cant which was part of the deposit. Oh well, we move the party to the house.

Axe starts doing keg stand, Kevin heads to bed and Racer and WiseGal continue to drink with Axe. I decide to pass out.

The next morning we all wake up and talk with WiseGal who says her brother told her before he left he would come back, but with them having errands to run, WiseGal and Racer, and noone being able to get ahold of Dumbass. WiseGal tells us she and Racer will drive us home.

We get back to Dumbass's house which is where we were all parked, Dumbass is asleep and Axe decides hes gonna wake him up and confront him. Axe tells me all Dumbass had to say was "i would have came back." Not an apology, nothing. We get in our cars and leave.

I havent talked to Dumbass since. Axe and I have seen him a few times, but we get so filled with rage we cant talk, we usually stand there waiting for him to open his fucking mouth but he never does, so we never get to hit him in is crooked teeth. Oh well, theres always another day.

Moral of the story, make sure the friend who drives is emotionally stable before driving you 150 miles from your house to a part in the boonies!

And if anyone cares, he hasnt killed himself yet. Ha.

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New Story in the works.

Writing a new one it should be posted sometime this evening. Tis a good'un :-D stay tuned friends!

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Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Memory Loss, Jungle Fever, Wait Wheres Thor?!

This night starts as many of our weekends do with a little pre-game of some private stock and coke and of course monster and vodka. We drink a few while getting ready, talk for awhile and head out. We decide to just go to our usual club and see whats happening. Once there we start debating our decision, theres us three, and about 20 other people there. We know one of the bouncers so we start talking to him for awhile. About 4 rounds in we notice more people coming in so we get up and start mingling. The night moves on pretty slowly, not much going on.

We head to the bar in the back by the patio and order a few more. Now this is where Axe and mine's memory gets pretty foggy. We were flirting with this group of 3 girls, Axe was talking to a cougar or puma or whatever she would be rated, she was around 50 but looked pretty good. Her sister was talking to me, she was 28 and then there was another girl that Thor was talking to. I can remember making out with her, Axe was pulling out all the stops and trying to get the cougar to give it up to him. Thor was on his own, we have no idea what he was doing nor where he was.

Now the rest of this story is pieced together from what i can somewhat remember, and what Axe can remember.  I stumble out of the bar, and walk towards the car. I find the black Cobolt that Thor drives, or so i thought. At some point in the night Thor gave me his keys, honestly i have no recolection of that but they were in my pocket. So i find the car and hit the button, nothing. Try the key, nothing. "Is that your car, man?" A voice says behind me, "Well i thought it was..." I didnt even turn around to see who it was, it could have been anyone. So i walk away from the car and find Axe with these two black girls. Girl 1 was short and Axe was making out with her, Girl 2, from what i remember was tall and decent looking, honestly though, i have no idea what she looked like. I start talking to her and making out with her. While making out with my first black girl i hear, "Jungle fever eh?" The girl Axe was making out with was calling him her white chocolate and saying how she likes white chocolate. Girl 2 asks for my number and says she will call me later. I dont hold my breath.

Axe and I get into the car, which was actually 2 cars down from the black Cobolt i was trying to get into. We leave there and head home. So i thought.

We wake up the next day, Axe on the couch, i found my bed. No Thor. I wake Axe up and ask him if he knows where Thor is, he has no idea. I tell him that we should probably go out and find him in case hes sleeping outside the bar or something. While we were getting dressed we both notice a bag from Burger King. We just stare at each other, because, see where we live, there is no Burger King in the immediate vicinity. We find the receipt and see that its about 4 miles north of the clubs. We shake our heads and look at each other in utter disbelief. Remember Thor we head out.

We open the car and i realize theres vomit inside the car. This isnt unheard of, i have had a history of puking and driving. I have become pretty good at it. Once Axe and I were headed back home and i was in a construction zone, cones on each side, im driving 45 and puking at the same time, no swerving, nothing, not one of my prouder moments. I head back inside and get a rag and clean up my mess. Thankfully it wasnt that bad and doesnt take that long to clean up. I start asking Axe what the hell happened last night. He tells me about the black girls, which i had totally forgotten about. I bring up the Burger King and he finally starts to remember, turns out we somehow made it there, and he thinks i puked in the drive thru. I tell him we are gonna drive through to see because i dont believe him. Sure enough, we find the Burger King as well as a nice pile of vomit on the cement, right in front of the speaker. God only knows what the person behind the speaker though when she heard that.

Axe decides to call Thor, no answer. Finally after we drive around for awhile, he calls back. Turns out he and the first girl i was making out with along with the cougar and other friend went to the Marriott right by the club and he tried to get them to do a threesome. I can only assume that he must have pissed them off because two of them left leaving him with the 28 year old i was making out with. He wouldnt let us come to the room to get him so she must not have been that attractive, oh well. He had fun. All three of us get into the car and go out for breakfast. We all share what we remember and enjoy our breakfast.

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I Got This! *Update*

Here we are, three young adults in our prime. We all come from different backgrounds, but one thing we share in common is our friendship and our ability to consume massive amounts of alcohol, get blackout drunk, fuck total strangers and push social boundaries. This commonality brings us together. My friend Axe, a tall, muscular baby faced blonde. My other friend, Thor, again, tall skinny and a love for chubby girls. Thor has became our designated wingman and he loves it. Then theres me, Zach, tall, dark, goofy and glasses. Needless to say, ill take whatever i can get.

Now we start the night off as we normally do, downing vodka and monsters at home along with Private Stock and coke. Which, if you havent ever had, go to the nearest liquor store and buy a bottle because it tastes like some sort of hybrid of an ice cream float and alcohol. AKA amazing. Well my friend Thor decides that alcohol and ritalin wouldnt be a bad idea, and naturally Axe and I decide hes right. So one a piece and we are out the door.

We get to the club, start waiting in line and i realize in my frenzy between ritalin and the deliciousness of private stock and coke i had changed from jeans into shorts and my wallet along with my ID and everything was still at home. So i tell Axe and Thor that i've got to run back, i tell them ill meet up with them in 20 minutes. So i run to the car, the ritalin had finally kicked in and i felt like a race car in the red, i was ready to roll. I get to the car which was parked illegally on the top floor of a prestigious hotel parking garage. See Axe hates finding parking, so he usually will get out and just bend back the parking arm so we can just drive on in. So like i said, i get to my car, race home and get my wallet.

I get back and i go back to the same parking garage, i notice a few cars were turning around so i said fuck this and get out, run up and tell the guy ill bend back the parking arm and then his wife or girlfriend or whoever she is can do it for me and that i do this a thousand times and have never been busted. He says alright and i start to bend back the parking arm. "I wouldnt do that if i were you." Says a voice from behind me. I turn around to see none other than a cop with his baton out smacking his hand. I wink at the driver and walk up to the cop. "My god damned card wont work!" "What room are you staying in sir?" Says the police officer. "206, names Hamilton Jackson, this always fucking happens, why cant they ever get their god damn cards to work, you know what im gonna go down there and talk to the front desk myself!" I say. "If you wanna lie kid we can take this downtown," says the cop. "Arent we already downtown sir?" I fire back. He starts to radio to someone, im not sure who, "Fuck this i aint waiting, im gonna talk to front desk right now, this is bullshit!" I say and turn around, winking at the random guy and his girlfriend again, get in my car and start another 10 minute trek to find a parking spot.

After finding a parking spot. Walking what seems miles back to the club, i finally get in. Go to the bar and get my usual drink, vodka and monster. Now, im really feeling the effects of this pill, i realize that im walking around looking for Axe and Thor literally bumping into people, totally focused on finding these guys. Finally after 2 drinks i find them, they were of course outside with the smokers because as Axe puts it, "if a girl is willing to risk cancer, shes willing to risk an std." Theres 2 girls, and my 2 friends, so im odd man out but i say fuck it and introduce myself anyways. One of the girls gets up to do god knows what so i take her seat. Axe has convinced this girl that her being engaged means nothing and that she would be better off not getting married. The other girl comes back and stares at me in her seat. "You can either find another seat or sit on my lap, either way im not moving." I say. She sits on my lap and starts rubbing my chest and asking me all sorts of questions, most of which i either dont care about or dont remember. One question she asked was what i did, well, im something new every weekend so this weekend i decided that i was a Computer Engineer for aerospace. I have some experience in aerospace so i was prepared if she fired back questions regarding that. She didnt but she did then turn into a total whore for money. Telling me that i was going to take her out to the mall and buy her all sorts of stuff, i just laughed and told her keep dreaming. She gives me her number and Axe decides he wants to dance with slut number 1. Slut number 2 was just wanting money so i got up and me and Thor went and got more drinks.

Thor and i finally get stationed by the bar randomly talking to girls. Axe finds us and says, "Dude, you are not gonna believe what happened, that girls soon to be husband walked up while i was dancing and making out with her and tapped her on the shoulder. So what does she do, turns around and says, oh hi honey, this is Axe. The guy didnt do shit it was epic." Turns out Axe got her number and has called her since.

Two o'clock rolls around, all three of us are hammered beyond belief. At this point ive got to piss like a racehorse, i mention to Axe to hurry and find Thor who had totally disappeared and ill go to the car get it ready and come back and pick them up. So i make my way to the parking garage and start to climb the stairs. I make it about half way up and i say fuck this, stand in the corner of the landing and relieve myself for what i swear must have been 10 minutes. I get to my car and leave the parking garage, i see Axe in the alley so i head that way, what i see next is Thor swinging a 4 foot long parking cone, then i see some guy pointing his finger. Well, me being as drunk as i am, i think making an appearance might diffuse the situation, so i put the hammer down and get then slam on my breaks as i get there. Skidding to a halt i hop out of the car to find Axe and Thor smiling at this guy who is yelling at them. I dont know what ran through this mans mind when he saw and heard my car but right as i got out and started walking towards him he must have decided that three guys just wasnt worth it. He hops back in his truck and drives off. Naturally we pile in my car and chase him for about a block, dont ask me why, i dont know, i just attribute it to the alcohol.

Our next stop, Rene's Restaurant. A 24-hour mexican place that serves the best drunk food money can by. We get there, order and eat. On the way to my car Thor starts making fun of this girls hat. It was just a wide brimmed colorful hat but to him it was the ugliest thing he had ever seen. He started saying how it was her helmet and how ugly it was. This did not please the guys she was with. The chubby asian guy took it upon himself to try and diffuse the situation but when i saw this guy wearing a light blue sweater on his button up shirt, i flipped out. I decided this guys name was now "Sweater Vest," and that he was wanting to get his ass kicked. Eventually the asian had successfully gotten his friends in their car and drove off.

We finally get back home and i change into some shorts and go to bed. What happens next is the honest to gods truth as far as what Thor can tell us. I get to my room, Axe takes an Ambien to help him sleep and about 15 minutes later he looks at Thor and says "Wheres Zach?" to which Thor points to my room. Axe must not have liked this because he then looks at Thor, smiles and says "I got this!" He then grabs a cushion from the couch walks into my room and hits me 2-3 times, then puts it on me and lays on it, only to then completely pass out on top of it.

I wake up what could have been hours later to find im pinned down in my own bed with a couch cushion. I struggle to get free and when i do, i see Axe laying on said couch cushion. Im still half drunk but i do manage to go and sleep on the couch. Its a big couch.

10 o'clock rolls around and my alarm is going off. I wake up and take a piss. As i walk by Axe's room i see him, standing on his bed as if its a surf board, wide awake. He tells me later he was asleep. I go piss and walk back and he had woken up completely and says, "Dude, why the fuck was i standing on my bed like it was a surf board?" I shrug and say "dude, why is there a couch cushion on my bed?"


Thor has read the post and he says he likes "Thick Bitches" and he is upset that i put "Chubby Bitches"... he says, "You cannot put that i like chubby bitches, unless you happen to be a hot chubby bitch. Then, its acceptable."

Thor Approved

Thor Does NOT Approve
However, after a whole bottle of Crown. Thor says he might consider the one in the red.

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