Tuesday, April 12, 2011

I Got This! *Update*

Here we are, three young adults in our prime. We all come from different backgrounds, but one thing we share in common is our friendship and our ability to consume massive amounts of alcohol, get blackout drunk, fuck total strangers and push social boundaries. This commonality brings us together. My friend Axe, a tall, muscular baby faced blonde. My other friend, Thor, again, tall skinny and a love for chubby girls. Thor has became our designated wingman and he loves it. Then theres me, Zach, tall, dark, goofy and glasses. Needless to say, ill take whatever i can get.

Now we start the night off as we normally do, downing vodka and monsters at home along with Private Stock and coke. Which, if you havent ever had, go to the nearest liquor store and buy a bottle because it tastes like some sort of hybrid of an ice cream float and alcohol. AKA amazing. Well my friend Thor decides that alcohol and ritalin wouldnt be a bad idea, and naturally Axe and I decide hes right. So one a piece and we are out the door.

We get to the club, start waiting in line and i realize in my frenzy between ritalin and the deliciousness of private stock and coke i had changed from jeans into shorts and my wallet along with my ID and everything was still at home. So i tell Axe and Thor that i've got to run back, i tell them ill meet up with them in 20 minutes. So i run to the car, the ritalin had finally kicked in and i felt like a race car in the red, i was ready to roll. I get to the car which was parked illegally on the top floor of a prestigious hotel parking garage. See Axe hates finding parking, so he usually will get out and just bend back the parking arm so we can just drive on in. So like i said, i get to my car, race home and get my wallet.

I get back and i go back to the same parking garage, i notice a few cars were turning around so i said fuck this and get out, run up and tell the guy ill bend back the parking arm and then his wife or girlfriend or whoever she is can do it for me and that i do this a thousand times and have never been busted. He says alright and i start to bend back the parking arm. "I wouldnt do that if i were you." Says a voice from behind me. I turn around to see none other than a cop with his baton out smacking his hand. I wink at the driver and walk up to the cop. "My god damned card wont work!" "What room are you staying in sir?" Says the police officer. "206, names Hamilton Jackson, this always fucking happens, why cant they ever get their god damn cards to work, you know what im gonna go down there and talk to the front desk myself!" I say. "If you wanna lie kid we can take this downtown," says the cop. "Arent we already downtown sir?" I fire back. He starts to radio to someone, im not sure who, "Fuck this i aint waiting, im gonna talk to front desk right now, this is bullshit!" I say and turn around, winking at the random guy and his girlfriend again, get in my car and start another 10 minute trek to find a parking spot.

After finding a parking spot. Walking what seems miles back to the club, i finally get in. Go to the bar and get my usual drink, vodka and monster. Now, im really feeling the effects of this pill, i realize that im walking around looking for Axe and Thor literally bumping into people, totally focused on finding these guys. Finally after 2 drinks i find them, they were of course outside with the smokers because as Axe puts it, "if a girl is willing to risk cancer, shes willing to risk an std." Theres 2 girls, and my 2 friends, so im odd man out but i say fuck it and introduce myself anyways. One of the girls gets up to do god knows what so i take her seat. Axe has convinced this girl that her being engaged means nothing and that she would be better off not getting married. The other girl comes back and stares at me in her seat. "You can either find another seat or sit on my lap, either way im not moving." I say. She sits on my lap and starts rubbing my chest and asking me all sorts of questions, most of which i either dont care about or dont remember. One question she asked was what i did, well, im something new every weekend so this weekend i decided that i was a Computer Engineer for aerospace. I have some experience in aerospace so i was prepared if she fired back questions regarding that. She didnt but she did then turn into a total whore for money. Telling me that i was going to take her out to the mall and buy her all sorts of stuff, i just laughed and told her keep dreaming. She gives me her number and Axe decides he wants to dance with slut number 1. Slut number 2 was just wanting money so i got up and me and Thor went and got more drinks.

Thor and i finally get stationed by the bar randomly talking to girls. Axe finds us and says, "Dude, you are not gonna believe what happened, that girls soon to be husband walked up while i was dancing and making out with her and tapped her on the shoulder. So what does she do, turns around and says, oh hi honey, this is Axe. The guy didnt do shit it was epic." Turns out Axe got her number and has called her since.

Two o'clock rolls around, all three of us are hammered beyond belief. At this point ive got to piss like a racehorse, i mention to Axe to hurry and find Thor who had totally disappeared and ill go to the car get it ready and come back and pick them up. So i make my way to the parking garage and start to climb the stairs. I make it about half way up and i say fuck this, stand in the corner of the landing and relieve myself for what i swear must have been 10 minutes. I get to my car and leave the parking garage, i see Axe in the alley so i head that way, what i see next is Thor swinging a 4 foot long parking cone, then i see some guy pointing his finger. Well, me being as drunk as i am, i think making an appearance might diffuse the situation, so i put the hammer down and get then slam on my breaks as i get there. Skidding to a halt i hop out of the car to find Axe and Thor smiling at this guy who is yelling at them. I dont know what ran through this mans mind when he saw and heard my car but right as i got out and started walking towards him he must have decided that three guys just wasnt worth it. He hops back in his truck and drives off. Naturally we pile in my car and chase him for about a block, dont ask me why, i dont know, i just attribute it to the alcohol.

Our next stop, Rene's Restaurant. A 24-hour mexican place that serves the best drunk food money can by. We get there, order and eat. On the way to my car Thor starts making fun of this girls hat. It was just a wide brimmed colorful hat but to him it was the ugliest thing he had ever seen. He started saying how it was her helmet and how ugly it was. This did not please the guys she was with. The chubby asian guy took it upon himself to try and diffuse the situation but when i saw this guy wearing a light blue sweater on his button up shirt, i flipped out. I decided this guys name was now "Sweater Vest," and that he was wanting to get his ass kicked. Eventually the asian had successfully gotten his friends in their car and drove off.

We finally get back home and i change into some shorts and go to bed. What happens next is the honest to gods truth as far as what Thor can tell us. I get to my room, Axe takes an Ambien to help him sleep and about 15 minutes later he looks at Thor and says "Wheres Zach?" to which Thor points to my room. Axe must not have liked this because he then looks at Thor, smiles and says "I got this!" He then grabs a cushion from the couch walks into my room and hits me 2-3 times, then puts it on me and lays on it, only to then completely pass out on top of it.

I wake up what could have been hours later to find im pinned down in my own bed with a couch cushion. I struggle to get free and when i do, i see Axe laying on said couch cushion. Im still half drunk but i do manage to go and sleep on the couch. Its a big couch.

10 o'clock rolls around and my alarm is going off. I wake up and take a piss. As i walk by Axe's room i see him, standing on his bed as if its a surf board, wide awake. He tells me later he was asleep. I go piss and walk back and he had woken up completely and says, "Dude, why the fuck was i standing on my bed like it was a surf board?" I shrug and say "dude, why is there a couch cushion on my bed?"


Thor has read the post and he says he likes "Thick Bitches" and he is upset that i put "Chubby Bitches"... he says, "You cannot put that i like chubby bitches, unless you happen to be a hot chubby bitch. Then, its acceptable."

Thor Approved

Thor Does NOT Approve
However, after a whole bottle of Crown. Thor says he might consider the one in the red.

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  1. Haha, very cool story. Following :]

  2. Wow that was a long story, much drinking involved. You are all alcohols

  3. Nice read man! Keep up the good posts!

  4. I love alcohol. I hope to see more stories like this in the future.

  5. ive got another in the works so :) stay tuned followers :D

  6. That was quite the story, i applaud you, though i didnt read the whole thing.

  7. Great story, love all the drugs and whatnot.

  8. Good story, really entertaining :)

  9. This is great. I actually read it, lol. Don't find myself doing that all too often.

  10. Awesome read! But all of the women in the pictures scare me :D

  11. Lol'd: "i decided that i was a Computer Engineer for aerospace"